Other People

There’s an old sales trainer who did more than just talk about sales, he talked about life and how to get ahead.  His name was Zig Ziglar, and one of the lessons he taught was help other people get what they want, and they will help you get what you want.

This is true.  It’s a simple answer, complicated in it’s implementation, but the fundamentals are true.  If you can figure out what the person you’re working with, partnering with, negotiating with, wants, then the odds are you will get what you want too.

People are fundamentally lazy, and tend to want to bucket people with labels.  It’s not a bad thing necessarily, it’s just a thing.  They label other people autistic.  Smart.  Jerk.  Gifted (or not).  ADHD… whatever.  This labelling serves a purpose because understanding the nuances of everyone is virtually impossible.  It’s even more complicated because the way someone is could also be influenced by their circumstance.

My behaviour is different when I’m playing hockey, as opposed to being on a business call, or when I’m standing in a line at the grocery store.  People could label me different things in each of those situations, and be right.  But who I am in that moment, does not tell you everything about me.  Is it fair to label me as aggressive, or knowledgeable, or impatient?  Yes.  But should you judge my entire life based on that?  No.

Even if some labels apply in certain situations, and the person may have some of the labels characteristics, you have to be careful about formally labelling other people.  Sure, they may have some characteristics of being an asshole, but if you define them that way, people will treat them differently.  They might just have been having a bad day.

Now there are some cases where labels are helpful, and special treatment can be a good thing.  If they are labelled as depressed, then medication can help them through the hard times.  If they are labelled as autistic, special accommodations can be made.  If they are labelled as gifted, then having them take harder classes, or do more challenging projects so they don’t get bored could be a positive result.

However, if you label someone based on their skin color, or ethnic background, or group them in together with others who look like them and label them that way, you are missing the point that everyone is different.  There may be some similar learned traits, or clothing they wear, skin color or daily rituals they perform, but the amazing thing is they are completely different inside.

They could have the exact same hopes and dreams as you do despite their appearances or behaviours.  They could have the same challenges, and obstacles to overcome.  It truly is easier to label someone, and sometimes those labels will be appropriate, but often you will be robbing someone of their uniqueness because of that label.

There’s an old saying: ‘If you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, you’d think it was useless.’  So think carefully about the label you are applying to anyone.  They might just be in the wrong situation, or built differently, and would excel if they were simply given the chance to do so.

Everyone tends to be so caught up with thinking about themselves, that they forget about other people.  They forget that not only do they have problems, everyone has problems!  The most gifted athlete may have drug abuse issues.  The most famous actor can’t go the the mall without getting mobbed, so they have given up their freedom.  The richest person is always getting asked for money, and wonders if people are around them for who they are, as opposed to what they have.

Perhaps they have an eating disorder.  Or they didn’t get enough love as a child.  Or they had too successful a parent and find that hard to live up to.  Or they just don’t like being social.  Everyone, everywhere has problems no matter how successful they are, or how put together they seem.  It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a human thing, so when you are dealing with people, try to keep in mind there may be more going on behind the scenes than you know.

One of the strangest things about life is how your relationships change and evolve over time.  Your best friend when you were young might leave to pursue a different life, and over time become a stranger to you.  And at the same time your interests may align with other people you meet in your 30’s, 40’s, and beyond.

It’s an interesting experience, meeting new people who like what you like, who do what you do.  Cultivating relationships throughout your life, and making friends along the way is a key to happiness.

My best friend now is someone I met a decade ago, and he’s 7 years older than I am.  I’m getting closer and closer to my mentor, and becoming better friends with him, and he’s 34 years older than I am.  I have good friends who are 5, 10 years younger too.  But we share interests, we share passions, and they are all amazing people.  Making friends throughout your life is one of the keys to happiness.

One of the easiest things to do is to judge other people.  You think to yourself: ‘This person let me down.’  or ‘That person should have known better.’ or ‘I can’t believe this person did that thing!’  To complicate things, when we look back, we often remember ourselves being on the right side of an argument, making a good call, or generally being in the right all the time.  We are good, other people are bad.

It’s a self reinforcing bias, to view ourselves as living up to a higher standard, and judging those around us for their shortcomings.  But what I’ve learned is lower the bar for others, and raise it for yourself.  Have lower expectations, and be pleasantly surprised when others exceed them.

The flip side of this is to hold yourself to a higher standard, even when no one is looking.  It’s easy for us to think of excuses and justify our behaviours.  You can tell yourself ‘I didn’t do that thing, but the other person will understand I was busy.’  Or ‘I should have called that person, but they won’t miss me either way.’

Whatever the reason, whatever the thing, be hard on yourself for letting other people down, and be easy on them for doing the same to you.

When dealing with other people, ask yourself how you’re dealing with them.  Are you dealing with them as they are right now, as they have been in the past, or as they will become in the future?

Everyone makes mistakes, and forgiving a hurtful past can be difficult, but who they are today, may be completely different than who they were in the past.  But from my experience the best way to get the best out of people is to treat them as though they are already the best version of them they can be.  The best version of them in the future, today.

By treating them as the best they can be, they will rise to that, and show you their best.  It is a true blessing to go through life where everyone presents their best self to you.  That is truly a goal worth pursuing.

The last thing about people is you can do more together, then you ever could on your own.  You, with the help of others, can change the world.  But no one person can impact any farther out than any other one person.

So you have to ask, could I do this thing better with others?  Where do my strengths lie, and who has strengths where I am weak?  What could I do that’s better, different, and more effective if other people were involved?  How can I make the biggest impact?  The answer almost always involves the help of other people.

You can’t do it alone, so embrace the fact that it will be messy, frustrating, and annoying, but it will also be fun, life changing and fulfilling to work with other people.