Success

Success leaves clues.

Despite what people try to tell you, there are clues to success all around you.  Take a close look at that rock star.  That celebrity.  That business mogul.  That mother.  That leader.  They all had a unique path to success, but they all have a process you can follow.  The tough part is identifying which success you want to go after, then pursuing it.

In my life, I’ve taken the time to identify those people who I think of as successful, and copy them as closely as I can.  There is nothing wrong with that, no shame in that.  In fact, it’s one of the smartest things you can do.  When I realized I had accomplished my only two life goals at 35 (owning a beautiful house and a cottage) I was lost.  I was unmotivated, and didn’t know what to do.  I spent years with my health spiraling down, and not knowing why I was getting out of bed in the morning.

I realized that what I was doing looked like success, with my wonderful family, the awesome stuff I had, but it wasn’t really success.  I was struggling, in my marriage, my business, and my self.  So I started to look around at those who were ‘successful’ around me.  I saw business success, people who were rich, but miserable.  I saw spiritual success, but they were missing whole parts of family life.  I saw people who had what I wanted, but I had no idea how to get there.  So I decided to really look around and try to define what I wanted.  I didn’t want success in one part of my life, only to be a resounding failure in others.

For my life, Warren Rustand is the mentor I chose to emulate.  If you don’t know who he is, he is an entrepreneur who has run or owned 27 businesses, he was a Rhodes scholar, drafted to the NBA, worked in the White House under President Ford, father of 7, married for 50+ years, an active community member who was also voted father of the year in Tuscon Arizona.  He has a wealth of experience, but more than that, he is a success in all the areas that matter.  He is successful in his personal life, his family life, his business life, and his community life.  While I will never be him as his experience is unique and his own, his habits, his outlook, his mental state can all be learned.

It was his guidance that got me on this path I’m currently on, and one of the reasons I’m sharing this with you.  I have and will continue to face different challenges than he did, and I have a different set of tools to deal with those challenges.  But if I learn how to approach things the way he does, I can apply his knowledge and process to solving my problems.  That is one of the keys of success.  Be careful how you define success because if the definition is to narrow, other parts of life will suffer for it.

Let’s pause for a moment and consider how you define success.  What is success?  What does someone look like who is successful?  Do they drive fancy cars?  Do they vacation in Monaco?  Is it monetary success you envision?  What about that high-powered lawyer who has been divorced twice and has children who won’t talk to him?  Is that success?  He drives a Bentley and lives in the right part of town.

What about the person who gives up everything and goes to work at a non-profit.  They can hardly pay their bills, but they are excited about the work they do.  If fulfills them.  Is that success?

The first thing you need to do is to define success for yourself.  Now most people define it in relation to other people.  Do they have more than me?  Are they living the life I want to be living?  They define it as accumulating more stuff, or having more money.  That’s not how I define it.  Success to me is the realization of your own potential, and the measure of my life’s success, at the end of the day, is how much love do I have?  When I was growing up, there was a bumper sticker you used to see around that said ‘he who dies with the most toys wins’.  I disagree.  He who dies with the most love wins.  That is the realization of a worthy goal.  It’s not approval, or money, it’s love.

Now it’s easy for me to say.  I’ve got the nice car, house, cottage, stuff, and perhaps that is the first step.  Getting those things.  But what you’ll realize is more stuff doesn’t make you any happier, or more successful.  Once you reach a baseline, you may find it hard to keep going.  The secret here is to ask yourself, am I doing everything I can to be the best me?  Or is there room to improve?  How do I measure up to me?  That is the one true measure you should use.

One of the most interesting things about success is the self talk that comes with people’s successes, and failures.  For some reason, people remember their own failures, but everyone else’s successes.  I’m sure there is some genetic reason for this, and in the past our ancestors would get eaten by a lion if they didn’t remember failures.

But in today’s world we are constantly reminded of other people’s successes.  It’s everywhere around us in ads and social media.  It’s what people choose to show to the world.  The stories they share are the best of what they are experiencing.  Being on the beach, out with friends, laughing.   The real question you should ask is how are they feeling, and what are they like when the camera is off.  When no one is looking.  Not what stories are they telling the world, what stories are they telling themselves.  Do they have to be somewhere nice, and looking a certain way, and having a certain thing to be worthy?  And if they aren’t there, or don’t have those things, what do they say to themselves?

More importantly, what stories are you telling yourself?  Are you OK with who, what, and where you are?  Are you OK with the fact you’re on the journey, but may not have arrived yet?  If you’re not, then change it.  Change what you’re working on, change what you’re learning, and change your expectations.  You will get there, you just may not be there yet.  You are the sum of the stories you tell yourself.  So tell yourself some good ones.

I’ve also noticed over time is Suck and Success look the same until you’re half, to three quarters of the way through.  It’s hard to keep going when you don’t know if whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re working on is going to work out or not.

If you have thought things through, and there is evidence you will be successful following this path, you have to keep working at it.  Stay on your chosen path, sometimes through thick and thin.  There will be doubts, setbacks, challenges, and unforeseen obstacles you will face.  This path you’ve chosen might be a risky one, but you can offset this risk by learning from others who have been there, have walked the path, and are on their way back.  This is a huge part of what I’ve learned from Warren.  People who’ve been there can tell you about their travels, and what to look out for on the road ahead.  That doesn’t mean you won’t suck in the end, but it does mean the odds are better you’ll succeed.

One final thing to consider about how you define success.  There’s a great scene in the movie ‘Yesterday’ where the main character Jack Malik is talking to an elderly John Lennon as they walk on a beach.  Jack asks John if he is happy.  John says yes.  Jack then asks John if he had a successful life.  John stops, looks at him a bit strangely and says ‘I just told you I was happy.  That is success!’